Enjoying your life as a couple
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When couples become parents. The day that you learned you were going to have a baby may
have been a happy, exciting day. Or it may have been one of shock, worry, and even tears.
Learning about a pregnancy, especially if it wasn't planned or was sooner than planned, can be
hard for many couples. If so, don't worry. It is totally normal to have mixed feelings about having
a child -- as a couple, or for either one of you. It doesn't mean you don't love each other, or that
you won't love the child. Mixed feelings are normal for new parents, simply because having a child
is such a huge responsibility. So, if you or your partner are stressed and worrying, that's okay.
You're doing the right thing by focusing on how you can learn and cope and do your best.
Life with a baby. It's amazing how one cute little baby can add so much stress. They seem to have
endless needs, and they cry a lot. They get sick, or seem so fragile and needy, that you can't help
worrying. No matter how much you love your baby, all that need creates very real stress. And,
with both of you stressed, it's so easy to get grumpy with each other. Sadly, that can push even
the most loving couple apart.
Getting back to love. There are ways to get back to the love that first brought you together.
Parenting is a big stress, but it doesn't have to push you apart. And, believe it or not, once you
learn to work around the stress, parenting can actually deepen your love. Here are some ways
that other couples have found help them stay close through the strain of the baby years:
A simple, basic help. These basics won't alone give you a perfect, happy life together, but they'll
help. They're simple ways to help set a good tone for your life together, making more chances for
happy and close times. They'll also help give you something to fall back on in tougher times, like
when you're tired and arguing, and the baby is sick. At times like that, there's nothing nicer than a
"thank you" or a hug from your partner, or the memory of that great day last week when the two
of you snuck off together and had such a good time. That's when you're really partners, and you
remember why you fell in love in the first place.
have been a happy, exciting day. Or it may have been one of shock, worry, and even tears.
Learning about a pregnancy, especially if it wasn't planned or was sooner than planned, can be
hard for many couples. If so, don't worry. It is totally normal to have mixed feelings about having
a child -- as a couple, or for either one of you. It doesn't mean you don't love each other, or that
you won't love the child. Mixed feelings are normal for new parents, simply because having a child
is such a huge responsibility. So, if you or your partner are stressed and worrying, that's okay.
You're doing the right thing by focusing on how you can learn and cope and do your best.
Life with a baby. It's amazing how one cute little baby can add so much stress. They seem to have
endless needs, and they cry a lot. They get sick, or seem so fragile and needy, that you can't help
worrying. No matter how much you love your baby, all that need creates very real stress. And,
with both of you stressed, it's so easy to get grumpy with each other. Sadly, that can push even
the most loving couple apart.
Getting back to love. There are ways to get back to the love that first brought you together.
Parenting is a big stress, but it doesn't have to push you apart. And, believe it or not, once you
learn to work around the stress, parenting can actually deepen your love. Here are some ways
that other couples have found help them stay close through the strain of the baby years:
- Time for just the two of you. If you can't remember the last time that just the two of you did
something fun together, then maybe it's time to send your baby to a relative or friend's
house -- for a day, an evening, or even an overnight. Dress up and go dancing; go for a walk
or a bike ride or to a movie; or just stay home and make like grownups in love. Don't worry
that you're too busy, or that the baby doesn't like to be apart from you. If one or both of
you has a job, feel free to use a vacation day or personal day, for your own personal mini-
vacation. And, after you do it once, make it a regular plan. Because remember: Your love
really, truly deserves it!
- Cheering each other on. We all love to be thanked and praised, but in the rush of life, it's so
easy to forget to thank and praise each other. So take a minute to think. Last night, if your
partner got up to feed the baby and let you sleep, did you offer a big hug and a "thank you"?
Or if your partner got up in the morning and went to a job, did you even think about how
much that helped the family? If you're like most of us, you may have mumbled a quick
"thanks, babe," and rushed on to the next thing. It can feel almost silly to make a big deal of
praising the person you see every day, but it's amazing what a difference it can make.
Chances are you'll find it really works to help keep you both feeling better and closer.
- Taking care of yourselves. Here's another habit that sounds so obvious, yet tends to get
pushed aside in the rush of parenting. As normal adult human beings, we need fairly regular
sleep at night, reasonably healthy food, some kind of exercise two or three times a week,
health care and rest when we are sick, and once in a while some quiet time. When we
become parents, we need those things more than ever, but tend to get them less. If we
don't get them, sooner or later we start to fall apart. And as we start falling apart, the
relationship can be the first place to feel the strain. We're tired, we're cranky, and soon
we're snapping at each other. That's an extra good reason to each remember to take care
of your own basic health and well-being. Because taking care of yourself is one big part of
taking care of your relationship and your family.
- Making home your home base. With so much demanding your time -- child, partner, work or
school, chores, relatives, friends, and other interests or activities -- chances are, something's
got to go. You may have to make some choices, especially if, in the past, you spent lots of
time with friends or activities apart from your partner. Also, time issues aside, some old
friends (such as past romances) and some old activities (such as partying and cruising with
single friends) aren't helpful in staying on track with family life. You don't have to slam the
door on everything and everyone from your pre-kid, pre-couple life, but you do need to
make your choices carefully. It's fine to stay in touch with old friends, if they're ones that
support your new family life. But you can also put your energy into finding new ways to mix
family and friends together -- say, inviting another couple with a child to get together for
pizza or an outing. Fun, friends and family can be a great mix, and a great way to show how
much you care.
A simple, basic help. These basics won't alone give you a perfect, happy life together, but they'll
help. They're simple ways to help set a good tone for your life together, making more chances for
happy and close times. They'll also help give you something to fall back on in tougher times, like
when you're tired and arguing, and the baby is sick. At times like that, there's nothing nicer than a
"thank you" or a hug from your partner, or the memory of that great day last week when the two
of you snuck off together and had such a good time. That's when you're really partners, and you
remember why you fell in love in the first place.
Strengthening Young Families