Making decisions about marriage
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A future together. Perhaps the most important decision that you will make as a couple is whether to
marry. Marriage tells your partner, your child, and all the world that you care enough to promise to be
there together through thick and thin.
Your decision. Deciding whether and when to marry is a personal decision, which only you can make.
Still, it may be useful to know how marriage helps most families. Studies show that:
But is it better to wait? You may be thinking -- and may even have heard -- that it's better to wait.
Many people think that, if you wait until you are in your thirties or even forties to marry, you'll be more
ready, more happy, and more successful. A major recent study shows, however, that almost the
opposite is true. In fact, the greatest rates of marriage success are among those who marry in their
twenties. Couples who marry in their twenties have lower divorce rates, and are more likely to describe
themselves as happy, than both younger and older couples. So, if you are teens, and someone is
advising you to wait and each stay with your own parents now, that's probably good advice. But if
you're in your twenties, you're actually at the statistically best age to marry.
Why marriage makes a difference. No one can say for sure why couples are more likely to stay
together, and families to do so much better, when parents of a child marry one another. Still, many
couples find:
Protection for your family. Marriage also has some very real legal, practical, and financial benefits,
which protect you and your child. Benefits include:
A personal decision. Of course, studies and legal facts aren't alone enough to say whether this
marriage, to this partner, is right for you. Marriage, especially marriage between the parents of a child,
is, in general, a very good thing. But only you can decide whether this marriage is the right decision for
you and for your child.
Problems that can stand in the way. There may be issues that worry you, and maybe with good reason.
For example:
cheats on you, would be good reasons to not rush into marriage.
Room to grow. Other problems may be more in the grey zone. You may be worried about whether
your partner is responsible enough, or employed, or skilled with children. You may be not quite
comfortable with his or her personal or work habits. Your partner may have a minor criminal record, or
may have dropped out of school. You may hope and think your partner is loyal to you, but not be 100%
sure. You may argue too often, or with too many hurt feelings.
Concerns like these are important and real, and you're wise to think carefully. But it's also important to
remember that no one is perfect, and people can and do grow and change. If you are both committed
to making a marriage work, you can work together to grow and to solve problems. While marriage and
parenting won't magically solve anything, it can be a way to really get serious about doing your best
together. These are important issues, which you'll need to talk about together. If you want help
thinking through your decision, you could also try talking with someone you trust, such as an older
relative, a counselor, or a community or religious leader.
If you decide to marry. If you do decide to get married, congratulations! To find out about how to
marry in your state, where to get your marriage license, and any special rules your state has, click here.
For help and support in building a strong and healthy marriage, a great place to start is the National
Healthy Marriage Resource Center.
Keeping the wedding simple and joyful. Weddings today range from simple to fancy, but there's one
thing they all have in common. A wedding is a joyful celebration of love and family. For that, you don't
need a designer gown, a stretch limo, or a seven course dinner. All you really need is love -- and even
the simplest party can celebrate that. Many couples marry with just their closest friends and family
members there, and then throw a fun party at home to celebrate. It can be a great way to celebrate
the love and commitment you share, without taking time and money away from the everyday needs of
your family. And remember, if you really miss having the fancy gown, dinner, and limo, you can always
plan it for later. Say, to celebrate your 10th, 25th, or 50th anniversary!
Sources
Marriage and Child Wellbeing, Volume 15, Number 2, Fall 2005 of The Future of Children series of the Brookings Institution.
The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially, by Linda Waite and Maggie
Gallagher.
Father Facts, 6th edition, by the National Fatherhood Initiative.
marry. Marriage tells your partner, your child, and all the world that you care enough to promise to be
there together through thick and thin.
Your decision. Deciding whether and when to marry is a personal decision, which only you can make.
Still, it may be useful to know how marriage helps most families. Studies show that:
- Getting married helps keep families together. Couples who marry are much more likely to stay
together over time than couples who do not marry.
- Marriage helps children. Children whose parents are married to each other tend to be healthier,
happier, and more successful in school than children whose parents don't marry.
- Marriage helps adults. People who marry tend to be happier, healthier, make love more often,
and earn more money than people who don't marry.
But is it better to wait? You may be thinking -- and may even have heard -- that it's better to wait.
Many people think that, if you wait until you are in your thirties or even forties to marry, you'll be more
ready, more happy, and more successful. A major recent study shows, however, that almost the
opposite is true. In fact, the greatest rates of marriage success are among those who marry in their
twenties. Couples who marry in their twenties have lower divorce rates, and are more likely to describe
themselves as happy, than both younger and older couples. So, if you are teens, and someone is
advising you to wait and each stay with your own parents now, that's probably good advice. But if
you're in your twenties, you're actually at the statistically best age to marry.
Why marriage makes a difference. No one can say for sure why couples are more likely to stay
together, and families to do so much better, when parents of a child marry one another. Still, many
couples find:
- Setting your goal. In general, if you set a goal together, you are that much more likely to reach it.
Getting married is the strongest, surest way to say that you are serious about the goal of being
and staying together.
- Pride and confidence. Being a family feels good, and you probably already take pride
- in being together. Many couples find that their sense of family pride, and the feeling
of loving and being loved, gets even stronger when they marry.
- Going public with your love. Marriage asks your relatives, friends, and everyone you meet to see
you as a permanent family. Many couples find that their family ties are treated more seriously by
others when they marry, and that that helps them to feel strong together.
- Peace of mind for your child. Kids know that they need their parents, and they tend to be fearful
of change. Children who know that their parents are married may feel more confident that their
family is secure than children whose parents choose not to marry.
- Working toward the future together. There are so many things that are more reachable when
you know you're together for the long haul, such as education, job planning, or buying a house.
This may help explain why married people are more likely to reach these goals.
Protection for your family. Marriage also has some very real legal, practical, and financial benefits,
which protect you and your child. Benefits include:
- Employer benefits. Benefits offered by one partner's job, such as health insurance and
retirement benefits, may be available to both of you if you are married. Also, family leave may be
available to care for a sick spouse.
- Tax benefits. Married people can file their income taxes together, using the "married filing
jointly" status. For many families -- especially those in which one partner earns most of the
money -- this can mean hundreds of dollars in savings.
- Consumer benefits. Married people can qualify for reduced rates on many purchases, such
health, home or car insurance, and tuition and other education benefits.
- Visiting and personal rights. In case of emergency, you can visit one another in places where only
family is allowed, such as hospital intensive care units, and make emergency medical decisions for
one another.
- Benefits in case of death. If one of you dies, you may become eligible for spouse survivor benefits
through social security, military death benefits, or an employer plan.
A personal decision. Of course, studies and legal facts aren't alone enough to say whether this
marriage, to this partner, is right for you. Marriage, especially marriage between the parents of a child,
is, in general, a very good thing. But only you can decide whether this marriage is the right decision for
you and for your child.
Problems that can stand in the way. There may be issues that worry you, and maybe with good reason.
For example:
- If you are worried about violence or threats of violence by your partner, this is an important
reason to not get married. To find help with this serious problem, you can contact the
National Domestic Violence Hotline.
- Another very serious problem is if you are worried about abuse of alcohol or other drugs by your
partner. A group which has helped many people in your situation is Al-Anon Family Groups,
which offers free self-help support groups for people who are worried about the alcohol or
other drug use of a loved one.
cheats on you, would be good reasons to not rush into marriage.
Room to grow. Other problems may be more in the grey zone. You may be worried about whether
your partner is responsible enough, or employed, or skilled with children. You may be not quite
comfortable with his or her personal or work habits. Your partner may have a minor criminal record, or
may have dropped out of school. You may hope and think your partner is loyal to you, but not be 100%
sure. You may argue too often, or with too many hurt feelings.
Concerns like these are important and real, and you're wise to think carefully. But it's also important to
remember that no one is perfect, and people can and do grow and change. If you are both committed
to making a marriage work, you can work together to grow and to solve problems. While marriage and
parenting won't magically solve anything, it can be a way to really get serious about doing your best
together. These are important issues, which you'll need to talk about together. If you want help
thinking through your decision, you could also try talking with someone you trust, such as an older
relative, a counselor, or a community or religious leader.
If you decide to marry. If you do decide to get married, congratulations! To find out about how to
marry in your state, where to get your marriage license, and any special rules your state has, click here.
For help and support in building a strong and healthy marriage, a great place to start is the National
Healthy Marriage Resource Center.
Keeping the wedding simple and joyful. Weddings today range from simple to fancy, but there's one
thing they all have in common. A wedding is a joyful celebration of love and family. For that, you don't
need a designer gown, a stretch limo, or a seven course dinner. All you really need is love -- and even
the simplest party can celebrate that. Many couples marry with just their closest friends and family
members there, and then throw a fun party at home to celebrate. It can be a great way to celebrate
the love and commitment you share, without taking time and money away from the everyday needs of
your family. And remember, if you really miss having the fancy gown, dinner, and limo, you can always
plan it for later. Say, to celebrate your 10th, 25th, or 50th anniversary!
Sources
Marriage and Child Wellbeing, Volume 15, Number 2, Fall 2005 of The Future of Children series of the Brookings Institution.
The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially, by Linda Waite and Maggie
Gallagher.
Father Facts, 6th edition, by the National Fatherhood Initiative.
Strengthening Young Families